I’m trying to start a trend in my house. It’s the mommy-doesn’t-yell-or-lose-it-today trend.
Each day I wake up and think, Today could be the day.
Right now I’m feeling like today could really be the day.
Before kids I would not have thought this would be so hard: A simple adherence to my straightforward and compassionate parenting theories would protect me from all but the occasional F-bomb or mommy-tantrum.
But raising little people is a constant pressure cooker.
I few Thursdays ago I was steaming some dumplings in an effort to feed the troops, when K-Pants yelled from the living room, “Mom, I’m peeing!” Peeing in the living room is never a good thing, but suddenly the smoke alarm in the kitchen went off because the dumpling pan had run out of water and was smoking.
Sidenote: I think that made these smoked dumplings, which would be my entry in the Top Chef quick fire I’m executing in my mind.
Both kids understandably freaked out at the fire alarm.
So I went into action: I threw the pan off the heat, opened the windows, and moved to the alarm.
The damn thing wouldn’t shut off. I pushed the hush button a million times. I held it down. I glared angrily and swore.
Still nothing. A plan had to be hatched.
According to my parenting theories, I should have taken the kids to the front door, reminded them where we meet outside when the fire alarm goes off, told them it was safe, and then calmly taken out the battery on the alarm.
But I’m finding that parenting is a lot more about game-time decisions than executing the well-planned strategy.
So I ripped that mo-fo off the wall and hurled it as hard as I could at the floor.
You know that dream you have about ripping your alarm clock out of the socket and bashing it to bits? I did that with the smoke alarm.
Who’s shrieking now, mother f*cker!?!? That’s right! I OWN you!
Luckily I only said that last part in my head.
When we talked to my husband on the phone a little while later, K-Pants ratted me out, of course.
- K-Pants: “Daddy. Mommy broke the fire alarm.”
- Hubby: “Well, we’ll put it back on the wall later.”
- Me: “Um, I don’t think that will work this time….”