I’m trying to start a trend in my house. It’s the mommy-doesn’t-yell-or-lose-it-today trend.
Each day I wake up and think, Today could be the day.
Right now I’m feeling like today could really be the day.
Before kids I would not have thought this would be so hard: A simple adherence to my straightforward and compassionate parenting theories would protect me from all but the occasional F-bomb or mommy-tantrum.
But raising little people is a constant pressure cooker.
I few Thursdays ago I was steaming some dumplings in an effort to feed the troops, when K-Pants yelled from the living room, “Mom, I’m peeing!” Peeing in the living room is never a good thing, but suddenly the smoke alarm in the kitchen went off because the dumpling pan had run out of water and was smoking.
Sidenote: I think that made these smoked dumplings, which would be my entry in the Top Chef quick fire I’m executing in my mind.
Both kids understandably freaked out at the fire alarm.
So I went into action: I threw the pan off the heat, opened the windows, and moved to the alarm.
The damn thing wouldn’t shut off. I pushed the hush button a million times. I held it down. I glared angrily and swore.
Still nothing. A plan had to be hatched.
According to my parenting theories, I should have taken the kids to the front door, reminded them where we meet outside when the fire alarm goes off, told them it was safe, and then calmly taken out the battery on the alarm.
But I’m finding that parenting is a lot more about game-time decisions than executing the well-planned strategy.
So I ripped that mo-fo off the wall and hurled it as hard as I could at the floor.
You know that dream you have about ripping your alarm clock out of the socket and bashing it to bits? I did that with the smoke alarm.
Who’s shrieking now, mother f*cker!?!? That’s right! I OWN you!
Luckily I only said that last part in my head.
When we talked to my husband on the phone a little while later, K-Pants ratted me out, of course.
- K-Pants: “Daddy. Mommy broke the fire alarm.”
- Hubby: “Well, we’ll put it back on the wall later.”
- Me: “Um, I don’t think that will work this time….”
momsicle 
OMG! Hilarious! I’d take the battery out by day and put it in at night when we slept. That way it only went off when it was for a real fire! I always wanted one of those alarm clocks you could throw across the room, too so I could snooze for 10 more minutes…Never got one…I just use the I-phone for that now.
Wow! Now that’s diligent. I like your style! If you have an Otter Box on your iPhone you could probably throw it across the room…
HILARIOUS! I laughed so hard I cried! They are so loud & relentless…
They have the exact right pitch to send you to the asylum!
Hysterical Evelyn. Why won’t those suckers shut off? I’m glad you kicked it’s ass.
I feel like this is a move that Georgaham would have been proud of. 😉
You are my hero! And if you ever do have ONE day of mommy doesn’t lose it or yell, please tell me your secret!!!
Does the day count if my family comes over to help watch the kids, or if I drop them off at another location? Because if that’s the case, then I’ll call you soon. xoxo!
Freaking hilarious! That is fantastic. Gave me a good laugh which is always needed at the end of a long day.
And the whole keeping your cool while raising children? Yeah, I laugh at that one, too. I also try. Some days are better than others. However, my kid always reminds me of the times when I haven’t been the best example. Like today, when he was upset and screaming at me in the car, “Get me out of this damn car!” Yeah…. he gets that from him mom.