Baby Woww has a lot of pretend friends. He’s not really a baby anymore. He’s three-and-a-half. We should call him Boy Woww. (Thank you, Lauren, for pointing this out.)
I love his pretend friends. Except for Mrs. Pepper.
K-Pants enjoys hearing Boy Woww list off his friends: There’s Pepper, the ring leader. Pepper is a large mouse who drives a two-story minivan. Even though he’s a mouse, he’s considered a person because of his size.
Then there’s Berry. And Cherry. And Pizza. And Tootie Pig. And Cuckoo Head. And the bald-headed kids. K-Pants always laughs at Tootie Pig and the bald-headed kids.
“What do your friends do?” K-Pants asks. “They poop and pee and have gardens,” says Boy Woww.
So they’re all normal kids, except for Tootie Pig, who is a normal-sized pig who passes lots of gas.
All the friends ride around in Pepper’s two-story minivan.
I really like Pepper because anyone who follows us around in a two-story minivan so that I don’t have to worry about more seatbelts to buckle is a friend of mine. The problem is Pepper’s mom. I don’t know how she’s raised such a great kid with so few legitimate rules.
- Me: You have to listen to the teacher at swim lessons.
- Boy Woww: But Pepper’s mom says you never listen to the teacher at swim lessons.
- Boy Woww: [Fake coughing.] Mama, can I have a cough drop?
- Me: No. You’re not sick.
- Boy Woww: But my friend Pepper’s mom always gives him cough drops, because he needs them.
- Me: It’s nap time.
- Boy Woww: My friend Pepper’s mom says kids don’t ever need naps. They just need play time and treats.
The conundrum here is that I really love Pepper, so I don’t want to insult his mama, because that’s bad manners.
But what I want to say is, “Mrs. Pepper better stop feeding Pepper only treats and cough drops and letting him stay up all hours while encouraging him to rebel against authority. If she doesn’t, your friend Pepper is going to be toothless, selling meth out of the back of his two-story minivan, if he’s lucky enough to get out of prison before 40.”