Tag Archives: vino

The Child Rearing Books

Here is a direct quote from Baby and Child Rearing, by Dr. Spock and his modern-day editor, on how much wine you can have while breastfeeding:

“A nursing mother who drinks a glass or two of wine or beer a day will not harm her baby. But the first months of having a new baby are stressful, and a new mother might easily decide to have one drink to relax, then another, and another…”

Ummm…Dr. Spock, I think I asked for the facts, not your personal opinion. And now that you’re waving your freak flag, you might have the decency to offer a solution for the new mom’s descent into alcoholism. Like, how do I scrape myself off the hallway rug at the end of the day to make dinner and feed the baby? Or should I just have one more glass?

No one seems to write the really practical tips. So here’s a little context and how-to for your responsible imbibing. I recommend printing these tips and inserting them into page 252 of Baby and Child Rearing.

  1. When you arrive home, pour yourself a glass of wine. You may want another, but instead…
  2. Go directly to the oven and preheat to 400 degrees. Any Trader Joe’s frozen meal can be cooked at this temperature.
  3. Proceed to the bed, throw off your shirt, and fling your boobs at the baby.
  4. Done nursing? Perfect, the oven’s preheated!
  5. Choose a menu item: Trader Giotto’s mushroom pizza? Trader Jose’s chicken enchiladas? Trader-whoever-the-Japanese-guy-is tempura shrimp? You pick!
  6. Rip open the packaging with your teeth, and throw it on the pan. Last night’s pan should be on the stove top. No need to wash it: last night’s crumbs will burn off in the oven.
  7. Place the baby in a high chair. A Lazy Boy will work just fine. Make a big fuss about how delicious the rice gruel and squash puree are, as you feed them to the baby. Pour yourself another glass of wine.
  8. Bingo! The pizza/enchiladas/shrimp is done!
  9. Enjoy your meal in a bowl that your husband/partner can also use when s/he gets home.

NOTE: If, when you walk in the door, you are slammed in the face by the reeking stench of last night’s chicken’s packaging and juices shouting “Hellooooo!” from the trash can, then replace Step 1 with: “Spray liberal amounts of lavender aroma in the direction of the trash, and pour a very big glass of wine.”