K-Pants’s Halloween Scare Fest, Part 1

K-Pants has been churning out books at the speed of Mercedes Lackey. It’s hard to keep paper stocked and chubby pencils sharpened. I’m pretty stoked because last year I was like, “Literacy may not be his thang.”

There are two Halloween titles in his library. Today we bring you the first:

HALAWEEN

A mysterious guy gets pulled apart by happy guys. Or so you think…

“Was it was Halloween so the pumpkins went trick-or-treating.” (Was it was the best of times. Was it was the worst of times.)

“And then the pumpkins saw a ghost and the pumpkins dropped their candies and they were so sad.” (Note the droopy stems of sadness.)

“But the pumpkins got their candies back.” (Wahooo!!! Viagra pumpkin stems.)

“And the pumpkins ate six million candies and they wanted more.”

“And the pumpkins got trick-or-treating but after the pumpkins got back they didn’t have any candy and they didn’t want any candy.” (Probably because they ate six million candies.)

“The end” (A collaborative page with my sister Chloë.)

STAY TUNED NEXT TIME FORRRRRR

THE EEVOL SKELATIN

Yes, that is a jedi taking his lightsaber to the groin of the eevol skeleton. But I don’t want to give away too much…

Our Favorite West-side Portland Pumpkin Patches

Fall is not complete unless we’ve visited at least three pumpkin patches. At least. I love everything about them (except those diabolical corn-maze-pit-of-horror-things: Those are not G-rated, and therefore I am not allowed inside. Also, with the directional capabilities in my family, I would have to be airlifted out so they could close the maze at the end of the season).

But tractor rides, apple cider, orange-yellow-white-bumpy-smooth-princess pumpkins, farm animals, crisp air, muddy boots… oh be still my childish heart!

Here are our favorite west-side PDX spots.

Lake View Farms in North Plains

32055 NW North Ave., North Plains, OR 97133

What’s awesome: There’s a little train AND a little steamboat that take you to the pumpkin patch. Seriously, what is better than riding a miniature train to a field and grabbing a giant pumpkin off the vine? The little sternwheeler even goes by a pirate and a Loch-Ness-monster-thing. Campy? Maybe. Hilarious? Yes. Awesome? More yes. Prices are reasonable, too ($4 ticket for round trip train/sternwheeler, plus cost of pumpkins).

Bella Organic on Sauvie Island

16205 NW Gillihan Rd., Portland, OR 97231

What’s awesome: Crazy amount of pumpkin choices at good prices (plus they’re organic–yeah!!). There’s a covered picnic area with a miniature hay maze for little people and their freaked-out parents (freaked out by mazes, not parenting). This is where most of our misfit gourds came from last year: white pumpkins, deep orange with green, bumpy, big, small… yeah-ah!!! These squash serenaded me with their insidious squash songs and I couldn’t say no.

Plumper pumpkin Patch way out west in Portland

11453 NW Old Cornelius Pass Rd., Portland, OR 97231

What’s awesome: It’s like pumpkin-palooza around here. The farms store is filled with every gourd and gourd-like holiday gift-item, there’s a giant pumpkin launcher, there’s an indoor hay-bale picnic area, and there are adorable farm animals. Did I mention the giant tube slide? Oh, and the tractor ride, of course. Plus you can stop by Helvetia or Rock Creek Tavern on the way back. Prices here are a little spendier, I found, but still pretty reasonable.

Baggenstos Farms in Sherwood

15801 SW Roy Rogers Rd., Sherwood, OR 97140

The tractor ride here is awesome, and the pumpkin patch is in this little fairytale glade. The bummer is that the pumpkins are not on the vine. Normally that would knock a place off my list, but the enchanted glade is very Charlie-Brown-Great-Pumpkin-ish, the farm store often has local pies, there’s a fantastic play and picnic area, and the drive takes you through some beautiful Willamette Valley scenery.

***

What new spot should we try this year???

 

A Little Reflection on Past Sins

So this happened at Halloween.

Our house was home-base for a trick-or-treating party that included three preschoolers and their entourages (which came to about 25 people, because preschoolers need a lot of handlers).

I was wearing an adult-size Oscar the Grouch costume.

I’m a little overzealous (and anal retentive).

Luckily my friends tend to be overzealous, too, and they arrived in full superhero costumes: Superman, Superwoman, Batman, Wolverine, and–my favorite–Captain America with full-size shield.

The relatives were all wearing street clothes. My husband thought about wearing a Red Sox hat, but decided not to.

So he was in the kitchen helping my dad, sister, and brother grab beers from the fridge to help them get through the preschool-Halloween rave that was unfolding in the living room.

As you know, little people don’t have much patience, and they melt down really early. So it’s imperative to take a commemorative group picture right away, and then hit the yellow brick road to Candyland.

Right?! Right!!

I had assembled the Justice League for our commemorative photo in 30-seconds-flat.

We just needed a non-costumed family photographer. Hey, photographers? PHOTOGRAPHERS?!?! Where the hell are all you people?

They were trying to take just a few more sips of their survival beers.

They may not have understood the full scale, and responsibilities, of preschool Halloween.

Oscar was not happy.

Words were exchanged. Things were said that Oscar may-or-may-not remember due to black-out grouch rage.

It’s possible the death-ray feature on K-Pants’s robot costume was activated.

You know, self-reflection is one of those gifts God gave us that we don’t always take advantage of.

I hear that reading books and talking to people can help.

Unfortunately I’m not all that literate any more, and I spend most of my time talking to the gremlins.

But it’s a new year, and it’s time to watch some TV and recommit to working on my flaws.

Through careful examination of Modern Family I’ve decided that I’m definitely Cam: high on enthusiasm and expectations, always good at talking, but maybe not the best listener or communicator.

So, family, I’ll try to warn you about preschool raves this year, and understand your needs a little better. Thanks for bearing with me.