We be crazy. And we’ve been proving it lately.
But I can explain.
It’s because of the great commandments. Don’t you remember? In the mustard field? When Jesus threw down his cup and took up his weapon saying, “Hear this: despise your neighbor and deny unto your brothers mercy and grace.”
So that’s why Starbucks hates Jesus and Jesus loves guns. And hates Muslims.
I’ll get the verse number…
[Beep beep boop. Internet Bible search.]
Oh snap. Possible misquote.
[Flippity flappity floop. Page-flipping through The Book.]
It looks like Jesus’ greatest commandment is about radical love.
Matthew 22:36-40, New International Version (NIV)
“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?
“Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”
This is problematic. My friends and I were just putting the finishing touches on a line of Bible-themed Starbucks cups for my Etsy shop.
Just imagine the barista saying “grande caramel latte for Horseman of the Apocalypse”! (Revelation 6:2)
Or, “dry, extra-hot cappuccino for Prince of Peace.” (Isaiah 9:6)
I came up with this super-monetizable idea after having my barista disclose that Christians were telling her she should be ashamed of herself. “Like I had anything to do with the red-cup decision,” she said.
She had EVERYTHING to do with it, I thought, as I walked by displays of Starbucks’ Christmas blend coffee and Advent calendars. And we should do something to help fellow Christians bully these traitor baristas, just like Jesus would!
“Triple-shot espresso for Spare the Rod!” (Proverbs 13:24)
Other Christian bloggers are saying they don’t care about the cups, but me and my gang of docile Guatemalan nativity animals are not fooled.
And neither is baby Jesus.
We’re working on a line of cups for iced drinks for Easter.
I’m also thinking about a new line of “Keep Christ in Christmas” yard signs for 2016 called “Lawn Warriors for Jesus.” Stay tuned.
For now just message me if you want a cup and I’ll give you my address to send in your blank check.
Thank you to my business partners Brita, Mari, and Renee for doing all the work on our “What Would Jesus Drink” bully cups. I’ll get you the profit-sharing contracts soon.
This post is dedicated to Chris on her birthday.