Yo Mama So Fat…

Treats! MomsicleBlog

Weight gain during pregnancy is a touchy subject.

If you’ve been with me for a while, you might remember the fruit midwife from Baby Woww’s pregnancy. She was worried I was having too many milkshakes. So she did a little PSA about how fruit grows on trees and that in Oregon they sell it at these magical places called farmers markets.

“Maybe you could try boysenberries…?” My response was something like, “Maybe you could stick your wet fingers into a light socket.”

I eat a really healthy diet, and I figure when you have the duty of carrying around a little gremlin, or Furbie, or Fairy Pig for a while, you should be able to treat yourself.

Not surprisingly, in this wild and crazy round three, we’ve upped the midwife ante.

I didn’t gain much weight the first twenty weeks; I was really nauseous. I also started the pregnancy kind of underweight. Anyhoo, the last four weeks I’ve been feeling sloth-level tired, and emaciated-lion-level hungry. Still, I maintain my low-grains, low-dairy, low-sugar diet that is high in veggies and protein. I started this diet overhaul last year in the throes of recurring bronchitis.

But Midwifey’s scale don’t lie. And when I went in last week it said I’d gained 12 pounds.

I was seeing this particular midwife for the first time. Let’s call her Minka. “Twelve pounds in four weeks,” she said. “You know, when some people stop being nauseous, they start eating everything in sight. Have you been eating a lot?”

It was kind of like her saying, “So your husband likes a little meat on his bones, eh?”

I was taken aback. I imagined the midwives at their midwife meeting, discussing the question “What do you tell a patient who is gaining too much weight?” Minka answers, “I start telling ‘yo mama’ jokes. She gets the point.”

I answered her: “Yes, I’ve been eating a lot: I’m hungry. But I eat a really good diet, and I don’t eat a lot of sugar.”

At this point, K-Pants, who along with Baby Woww, make the most terrible tag-along medical appointment team in the world, shouts, “That’s not true! You eat treats!”

Like what, man? Granola and vegan cashew cream? The one ice cream sundae I had in March? Please! Stick to fighting with your brother in the corner instead of ratting me out.

“I do eat a lot of fruit,” I admitted.

“Fruit has lots of sugar.” She decided my high intake of apples and oranges probably wasn’t the problem. It was bananas. “They’re very high in sugar.”

“But I eat them as part of kale smoothies.”

“Well, be careful. We don’t want to see this kind of weight gain again.”

At this point I was mad. I’d just had to do that horrible gestational diabetes test where you drink a disgusting sugar syrup so the medical team can measure your blood sugar. Now I was being told that I was ballooning out of control because of the four bananas a week I eat.

“I’m not changing my diet,” I said.

“Well, maybe you could exercise,” she countered.

“I have a bad cold and I’m constantly exhausted,” I said.

“Well you do have to kick that, first.”

Ha! I’d won!

This being March still, I felt like we were in the last 45 seconds of the second half of a Sweet Sixteen game. It was all stategery and a well-placed zinger. I was going to keep my unsweetened kale, tofu, zucchini, banana, and apple smoothies, dammit. This woman was cray cray. It helped my cause that the gremlins were frothing in the corner and she knew that with a word I could unleash their snotty noses and sharpened incisors.

But when you see me next, feel free to say, “So Evelyn, when you sit around the house, do you sit around the house? [Nudge, nudge.]” According to the midwife, this kind of thing is a sure winner where pregnant ladies are concerned.

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6 responses to “Yo Mama So Fat…

  1. With my second pregnancy I gained 10 pounds. That’s because I started my pregnancy already overweight. And that’s all I’m going to say about that. Each pregnancy is so different you just never know how your body is going to react.

  2. Honestly, by the sounds of it, you’re doing everything right. In our society now there are just so many people that start pregnancy overweight or who literally double their calories to ‘eat for two’ that care providers are getting a lot of pressure to say something when they observe a rapid weight gain because there are SO many high risk pregnant mothers out there who are NOT eating the way you are. Your provider should have looked back at your chart and see that it was an anomaly though before coming down on you though. Boo! Glad you’re feeling well enough to eat again!

    • Yes, you really nailed where this is coming from, and also hit the nail on the head that providers should be able to take into consideration the larger societal picture, but treat and listen to the specific patient within that.

  3. Love your post, my bump is 29 weeks old and I have put on about 16kgs alreadly. My midwife is a demon and has instructed me no more weight under any cicrcumstance is to be put on…. She told me maintain or preferably lose weight. I started overweight and gained most of the baby weight in the first trimester. I eat healthy lots of vegetarian and protien based meals, low on carbs and sugar, and have had all the tests done to prove I am healthy, and I exercise everyday a combination of Yoga, pilates and a 1/2 hour of brisk walking. I don’t eat for two either, but my metabolism is rubbish and has been for years so I don’t know what else to do.

    • That’s the thing–and I’ve heard this from friends about weight issues post-pregnancy, too–that practitioners have a hard time thinking dynamically about weight in pregnancy and postpartum. Obesity is such an epidemic in the U.S. that the patent answers of “eat less, exercise more” seem to be the only suggestions you can get. Friends have had to really take everything into their own hands in terms of researching and finding solutions. I’m sorry you are pinned into a corner with your midwife on this one!!!

  4. Pingback: “Evelyn, You’re A Mess.” | momsicle

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