Can I Tell You a Funny Story?

This Is What I Look Like a Lot. MomsicleBlog

If you feel like you know me a little better or a little weirder after today, then choose the appropriate response that I will happily offer you later: Yay. Hug. I’m sorry.

It rains one day out of each Oregon summer, and on that day, I canceled my outdoor plans and decided to pack up the kids and head to the science museum with my grandma (her flexible schedule, need for adventure, and tolerance for fossilized levels of snacks and clothes in our car are a great fit).*

*I would add her picture and profile to the Chaos Team, but she doesn’t really like the Internet and all of its over-sharing. It’s already too much that I’ve divulged that I have a grandma and that she occasionally gets in my car. So if you see us driving around please don’t be like, “Grandma! What up!? You are owning it on the blog!”

So we picked up my grandma, but I realized I had forgotten my wallet in my husband’s car and he had flown to California for the day. So we headed to the airport parking lot, used the key beepie-thing to find the car, retrieved the wallet, and finally headed to the museum.

When we got to the parking lot, I had this moment when I thought, I would like to feel like a grownup today. It was a crazy thought, but I indulged it: I grabbed my purse—a real, adult purse—and threw my wallet and a back-up diaper in it. Then I, with Baby Woww on my hip and purse on my arm, K-Pants, dressed in a soccer uniform in case a field should appear, and my grandma, all headed through the driving rain to the entrance.

As we trudged toward the museum, the anticipation of potato chips and giant Lego blocks and a roof over our heads keeping us moving, I realized I was in trouble. It was my womanly time of the month, and—let’s cut the euphemisms—I was bleeding and it was about to get noticeable in a way that all women dread.

The rain, the wallet, the bleeding…

[Scene pause. Clouds are dark. I look up dramatically at the sky. “Can’t a girl get a break today, God?!” Thunder clap. Whining.]

We blew past the crowds and I headed straight to the bathroom where I dug around in my purse for a pad or a tampon. Nothing. Nothing! Diaper!

Well, it would have to do. I would wear Baby Woww’s diaper. It was just the amount of super-absorbent material I was looking for, frankly, and the skinny jeans I was wearing did a bang-up job of smoothing out the bulk. This is as close as I’ve ever gotten to a butt-lift.

Newly padded, I met up with the crew, and we headed off to eat lunch and see the dinosaurs. At lunch I was snuggling up to Baby Woww, and I realized that he seemed rather lithe in his toddler sweatpants. Of course! We’re potty training him, and as I ran out the door I forgot to put a diaper on him as I’d planned. He was going commando. A toddler with no diaper is a ticking time bomb. My cute adult purse was empty: I was already wearing his diaper.

[Scene pause. The cacophony of the science museum cafeteria freezes. A spotlight shines down on my super-absorbent body. God says, Take them to the animatronic dinosaurs. Let them be scared out of their minds. Leave when Baby Woww wets his pants.]

So we did the animatronic dinosaurs. The boys were terrified. We saw one, and my grandma said, “I know people who look like that.”

Then Baby Woww peed in his toddler sweats and we headed for the car. Like Milli Vanilli, this one gets blamed on the rain.

I’m not sure if this is more dignity-busting than the time I sent K-Pants to preschool with some Victoria’s Secret panties velcroed to his coat, but it’s a photo-finish.

9 responses to “Can I Tell You a Funny Story?

  1. Yay!
    ( Hug )
    ~ I’m sorry ~

    thanks for the butt-lift tip!

  2. (Hug) and I’m sorry. (But like many good stories, though painful in the moment, this one provides much laughter in the re-telling — thanks for sharing!)

  3. I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time. Thanks for sharing!

  4. You rock my world-in a good way! And I love you for it!!! BIG HUG!!! (but I would rather see you and give you one in person that over the internet!)

  5. Wow, oh wow! More and more I leave the diaper bag at home because WE ARE A (mostly) DIAPER FREE HOUSE. I do miss the diaper bag security of being prepared for a cranky toddler and/or a 6.0 earthquake at an given moment. But sometimes you just have to run FREE! Better luck next time. LOL!

  6. I am howling with laughter, is that wrong?? You are an incredibly funny, resourceful, and awesome woman!

  7. This one had me laughing out loud! Ahh, the blessings/curses of being a woman

  8. I’ve got to hand it to you, I’ve been in some really wild situations, but that took quick thinking and a bit of ingenuity–and like Lauren, I’m rolling with laughter…I was on base one day when Eric got diarrhea–most likely from the formula the doctor had to change after this incident…I learned NEVER, EVER, EVER wear white with a sick baby on my lap…I was meeting his dad and had on a pretty cool outfit. My eldest crapped all over me and I was 60 miles from home….Goodwill made some $ that morning after I left the doctors’ office. This bundle of joy is the same young man that shot Dad in the chin while he was showing ME how to change a boy’s diaper…Needless to say I had problems with the boobs overloading and also forgot the pump and he was sleeping through everything (of course)…I swear if my boobs got any heavier I’d have had to sling ’em over my shoulders…

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