Good Parents Have Bad Kids on Airplanes

Before kids, on an airplane, you think things like this:

  • If I have kids, I won’t travel until they are old enough to be respectful.
  • Airlines should have flights just for families so I don’t have to deal with this shrieking-effing-chaos.
  • If I travel with my kids I’ll damn well make sure they don’t kick the  seat in front of them for three hours straight.
  • Why doesn’t anyone in this whole f*&king world know how to parent a child??!!??

Well I say, Amen! Preach it! Can I get a Hallelujah?!

If my current self time-traveled back to have appletinis with my former self and her single friends, I would be the one pounding the vodka, and saying, “B*tches! You are soooooo right! And you know what’s worse than sitting in front of the kid kicking you and screaming? Being the owner of that kid.”

I mean, on a plane these gremlins take annoying to a new level of hell.

But here’s the thing, sometimes you have to travel with your sweet gremlins.

I am an over-planner. The kids are always ready. The drug cocktail is always prepped, along with dozens of activities and snacks. Still, things don’t always go your way.

Like today.

And here’s what I was thinking,

  • Where are those damn family flights?
  • Will I actually ever get off of this plane, or will we just fly around in screaming-toddler purgatory for the rest of our lives?
  • Why can’t I be like those parents who pack cute bags of candy for everyone around them and buy a round of drinks?

It wouldn’t have been quite as bad, except that we got viciously chewed out by Mr. Seat21A, who told us we just needed to get control of our kids.

But here’s the thing, Mr. A-Hole-Pants, I do not need to try sitting in front of my children on a plane for three hours to see what it’s like, as you suggest.

Because sitting next to them, trying to provide 250 different types of entertainment and 7 courses of snacks, just to have Baby Woww wake up possessed by a demon… this is actually worse than you getting kicked for three hours. (If only I had packed my excorcism kit! I always forget something!)

And yes, I did take a picture of you so that Beelzebub will have a shot when he comes looking.

Snakes On A Plane. MomsicleBlog

(He’s watching The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, a strange choice for a very insensitive guy.)

Yet, there are heroes.

Jessie, in seat 23D, I love you for the rest of my days.

Parent Guardian Angel. MomsicleBlog

Jessie defended us. She is a grandmother with a fabulous Nashville drawl, and when Mr. A-Hole-Pants told her, “This is none of your business.” She said, “When children or the elderly are bullied, I make it my business.”

I will always, always love you. And I hope I grow up to be you. Because as I’ve talked about before, parenting is not about getting praise for your awesomeness, but finding support in your lowest moments.

Can I get an Amen?!

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20 responses to “Good Parents Have Bad Kids on Airplanes

  1. YAAAAAY! This post was awesomely constructed and I loved that you had a heroic passenger step up. I am forever hopeful of coming across people like that- or being that person. A.M.E.N.!!

  2. Amen! Awomen! Akids! But no Aholes!

  3. I must say that my reaction to kids being kids on airplanes is, “Give that parent a stiff drink!” It really does get better, if that’s any consolation.

  4. If there’s a god, thank god, that there are Jessie’s in the world!

  5. Oh, yay for Jessie! Angels on airplanes! Why don’t they just sell candy ON the airplane? Or little child activity kits, the kind of thing you get at family restaurants with crayons and dot-to-dots? Seriously, why is flying now so hard for families that you have to pray for the goodness of strangers to get you through it?

  6. Preach it. I found your post because I posted a very similar rant today and a friend linked me here and I couldn’t possibly agree more. I once had someone request a seat change on a FULLY BOOKED FLIGHT simply because I was sitting in front of him with a child. He made a huge stink about it and the flight attendants were less than amused. Seriously, dude, you don’t want to sit there because there’s a kid and you expect someone else is going to leap at the chance to trade seats – which is the only possibility because an empty seat doesn’t exist? Yeah, you can buy the one way ticket to bite me.

    Loved this.

  7. Jenny Minniti

    I kind of want to cry because that’s how amazing Jessie is. Well done.

  8. Amen! And yay for Jessie!

    I haven’t actually been on a plane since right before Junius turned 1. And he’s about to turn 8, which tells you a lot about my life right there. But if I’d been on that flight with you, I would have gladly kicked that a-hole in his peanuts for you.

  9. Holy moly, we’re flying with our 15m-o next week from Paris to Florida and I’m terrified of being that parent with the screaming kid… I’m praying to be surrounded by Jessies!!! Loved your phrase “will we ever get off of this plane or will we fly around in toddler-screaming purgatory for the rest of our lives,” oooooh man. Terrified is an understatement.

  10. I’ve met Mr Seat21A type before and they get my back up! Ana was making a fuss in public while back (and actually, not as bad as she could have brought it out) and an older Mr Seat21A said loudly, and pointedly to his friend “Oh my girls never stepped out of line. We never, ever had any trouble with them”. I had to bite my tongue from asking if he had ever spent any time with them. How unhelpful those sort of comments are when any parent knows how stressful it is to be the “owner” of “that kid” at times like that. I’m with you!

    • Isn’t it great that later in life we can remember our children as always angelic? 😉 Thanks for stopping by, Ana! I love keeping up with you through your blog!

  11. Pingback: Key Travel Tips for Parents Flying with a Baby or Toddler | momsicle

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