Hiding From the Children

I’m currently hiding in our guest room.

It’s the end of nap time. Normally nap time is this awesome time when I get to detox after a morning of getting things thrown at me or watching things get thrown at other people.

These days I need nap time. We’re going through a period of disequilibrium. And it’s not pretty when mama doesn’t get some down time.

But it didn’t happen today.

Lesson: NEVER do errands during nap time. You let down yourself and the errands.

I went to the grocery store and then FedEx. I needed to mail two prayer shawls to friends. These are awesome shawls that women at our church knit to provide comfort to anyone who may need it. The pray as they knit. That is awesomeI picked out shawls for two lovely friends who are going through some sh*tty times. The shawls were blessed today by our fantastic priest, who gave this rockin’ sermon about her time as a mentee of one of the first Episcopal woman priests. I digress….

Point being: I was upbeat. Because women priests rock.

Lesson: Never be upbeat when going on errands. High expectations only lead to broken bones hearts. 

So I get to FedEx all gung-ho: Let’s get this sh*t mailed!

Oh wait. No one is available to help me because you’re all on the phone? No worries! I’ll just grab boxes and forms, and fill these suckers out so I’m all set!

Ten minutes later the Lady comes over: “I see you’re shipping these Express Air.”

NO! Who ships personal stuff Express Air? Seriously, Lady? I did not fly here in my private plane.

It leads one to wonder: Why are the only boxes within reach of the peasants the Express Air boxes? Well, we peasants do like to steal cheap stuff, so better keep the Ground boxes out of reach….

The Ground boxes are behind the desk. But FedEx Lady can’t figure out what size I’ll need. She’s “not good with numbers,” she says.

Why don’t you bring a couple boxes over here and we can try them out??

She thinks this is a good idea. I mean, Lady, we are mailing shawls here. They can squish into anything.

Then she gets to my forms.

“Oh, I should have come over earlier and told you to fill out these forms.”

Yes, you damn well should have. Because all your f*&king FedEx forms are varying shades of pastel purple with pale gray writing. 

Lesson: Never, NEVER, fill out a FedEx form without first waving it in an employee’s face and yelling, “U-S-A! Ground! Cheapest ship! This form!”

At that point I lost it. My nap time detox window was closing in on me. I was going to spend the rest of my time filling out forms while FedEx Lady tried to punch numbers into her monkey computer.

Not good. I put my head in my hands. Not good at all.

And that’s when I ended up in my car, shawls on the passenger seat, headed home, crying terrible cries and gnashing terrible teeth, with snot and tears streaming down my face.

Lesson: Driving in the car is a  great place to have an over-the-top and cathartic ugly-cry because you’re in a soundproof container and everyone else is paying attention to the road.

I’m at an emotional place at this particular moment in my life when wasting my me-time is treacherous. I need it. I really, really need it. Like, do you have any? Because I’ll buy it from you. How much do you want for it?

Luckily my husband is home because it’s Sunday. And when I got back, defeated by bureaucracy and barely able to speak, he suggested I hole away in our bedroom.

But they’ll find me. The children will find me. 

“How about the guest room?”

Yes! They won’t know I’m there! 

So here I am. Hiding away, refilling my tank before going back up for another round.

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5 responses to “Hiding From the Children

  1. There must be something in the water; I had such a similar experience today! Only it was shutterfly, and it involved Mother’s Day presents, and trying to re-size pictures so that they would fit, and wondering why shutterfly does not have a zoom out/in feature when making products. And getting upset because it was such a time suck! I came to the same conclusion–wasting nap time over ridiculous loop holes is the most aggravating experiences. You feel robbed! And then the kids wake up and you’re exhausted from it all…. Good thing for all of the nap times that give us just what we want/need. Down time goes a LONG way!

  2. Pingback: Bloggerhood Etc. 5/6/13 | Fatherhood Etc.

  3. Um, I love that you have an I-hate-FedEx tag. That is hilarious. And anyone who can be self-aware or maintain a sense of humor whilst having a meltdown is fab–that you are able to do both is testament to how special you are.

    Here’s hoping today is a little easier, friend xxx

  4. Maybe you should do a whole blog post about the various ways of hiding from your children. I think most of us could relate. Me, I go for total sensory deprivation at about 6:30 p.m. once the hubby is willing to take over parenting duty for the rest of the evening. I go in the bedroom, turn off all the lights, pop in some earplugs, and float away into celebrity news sites and mom blogs on my laptop …

  5. Pingback: Bloggerhood Etc. 12/30/13 | Fatherhood Etc.

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