Miscarriage

My dear friend Lauren, or Chee Chee as we call her around these parts, recently suffered a miscarriage.

Up to 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. And I have more friends than I’d like to count who’ve suffered at least one.

Miscarriage is a funny thing–it’s grief that no one knows how to talk about.

We’re supposed to wait to announce pregnancies until the second trimester, when risks of something going wrong are lower. That means women need to keep possibly the most exciting news of their lives secret, so they can be protected.

From what?

If something goes wrong, they’re isolated, and dealing with a tragic loss without the support of community.

Women may tell a few trusted friends or family, but the experience still leaves you feeling like an alien in a foreign land. You go on trying to function in a world that’s just the same, but you are different.

Well Lauren is a wonderful writer, and she started a brave new blog called On Fecund Thought that’s both a forum and a very poignant place to visit for anyone who has suffered a miscarriage or known someone who has.

Lauren recently wrote about waiting in the OB/GYN’s waiting room for a loss support group to start, amidst regular patients:

There was an air of murmuring happiness — most of these women were at least 6 months along.  I envied them their happy confidence that nothing would go wrong.  I tried to remind myself that I don’t know their fertility story, but another voice reminded me of the words my friend, L., a therapist whose first pregnancy ended in a missed miscarriage, told me: I felt cheated. I couldn’t enjoy my next pregnancy with [my daughter]. Even though everything was going fine and we ended up having a healthy baby, I felt robbed of my innocence.

*

If you’ve known someone who’s suffered a miscarriage, or you have, or your spouse has, go over and visit On Fecund Thought.

Lauren’s words are often poetic, and her list of resources and suggestions for how to support someone going through miscarriage are right on.

Not sure where to begin? Start with this post about ten things not to say, and ten suggestions for how to support someone going through miscarriage

Hugs,
Ev
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27 responses to “Miscarriage

  1. sadness, emptiness, helplessness, tenderness…. grief, and dare to hope.

  2. Ev, thank you for lending your voice. I don’t want you to be even an honourary member of the club, but it feels good to know you are cheering so many of us on from the sidelines. You’ve been an amazing friend the past two months. When I count my blessings — which I have forced myself to do many times recently — you are among the first few. Love you x

  3. Thanks for the link! Very touching articles. I wish I had had it when we were going through that. It amazed me how many people shared similar stories with me. I had no idea how common miscarriage was. I literally remember it being dark for the first two months after the miscarriage. I hope this page helps many other women.

    • You’re right–it’s amazing how many people have suffered. There are some things that are taboo to share, but when you open up so many others are ready to say, “That was me, too,” and give you a big hug.

  4. Beautiful post today, thanks for sharing so many great links to help people talk about this subject.

  5. Having birthed three healthy babies and also lost three babies in miscarriage, I could definitely use that link. Thank you. xoxo

    • Thanks for reading and stopping to share, Valerie. I hope your journey to #4 is a blessed one (I saw your comment at “And Baby Makes 10”). 🙂

      • Yes, we are trying to be relaxed about it, knowing that it is a harder thing to do (for us) when breastfeeding. It’ll happen at the right time, though.
        Thanks xoxo

  6. I will definitely check out those sites and blog. I also know a few women who have suffered miscarriages. There is so much we don’t always talk about, or know how to talk about, when it comes to things like this or infertility which I am more familiar with these days. It is sad because we need that community. I applaud you and Lauren for talking out loud about it. I will be sure to say the same to her 🙂

    • Thanks, Jill! You’ve been very open on your blog about your infertility story and that’s also very brave, because so many people feel isolated struggling through it.

  7. Wouls love to use this blog post in an upcoming post I am doing about trying to get pregnant, get pregnant, and then losing the pregnancy.
    If that would be ok, I would love to add it in as a link. Thanks

    • Absolutely, Renee! I am always happy to share! (Lauren will be, too.) 🙂 I look forward to reading.

      • Thanks so much, it is a topic I have wanted to write about for a while and just wasn’t sure what my family would think or my husband. However they are all very supportive of it, and I think that maybe it will inspire others to talk about it and maybe help them to heal too and try again

      • Evelyn I finished my blog post on miscarriages- Its called Mothers Day and Miscarriages I believe. You can find it on my blog http://www.anannysperspective.com

        I put a link in there to your blog and Lauren’s thank you both for sharing your stories. It really helped me.

        • Thanks so much for sharing, Renee! I put it up on Twitter and copied Lauren, as well. Very brave to tell your story.

          • I should be thanking you. I really love reading your blog. This post came at the right time because it just helped me deal with the miscarriage a little better. It is funny how god works. Thank you so much to both of you for helping me want to share my story. I hope to one day soon be able to announce we are pregnant and have made it till the 2nd trimester. Thanks again and thanks for sharing it on twitter.

  8. We consciously shared the news of our pregnancies really early on with our friends and family partly due to the fact both of us are terrible at keeping secrets! but also we felt that if we did suffer a miscarriage then our family and close friends would know and be able to support us. Apparently this is quite common in Argentina where my husband is from. He wasn’t aware of the “wait 12 weeks” rule we have in Australia. We were fortunate that we never had to test the reality and emotion of that decision but I thought it was an interesting cultural difference.

  9. Lauren is an inspiration to all babyloss parents and those trying to do something to break the taboo. Keep up the good work Lauren and love and hugs for a happy future. Carolyn (CourageandHope.co.uk)

  10. Pingback: First Good Week — On Fecund Thought...

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