I Wish I Were an 18- to 24-year-old Male

TV makes me feel bad about myself, which is a bummer because I like TV.

When I met my husband, I didn’t own a television. But he worked in TV and his cable bill was a tax write-off.

So I jumped in and soon found myself crying, holding my newborn K-Pants, as I watched Catelynn and Tyler give baby Carly up for adoption on 16 and Pregnant. My friend Charity calls it White Trash Masterpiece Theater.

Then MTV launched Jersey Shore, and White Trash Masterpiece Theater got white-trashier. It was awesome.

When you need to turn your brain off and take a hit of superfine sugar to the cerebral cortex, TV is there for you.

These days I’m more of a Good Wife, Top Chef, Parenthood, and Modern Family kind of girl. There was a good dose of The Real Housewives of New Jersey thrown in there until Teresa got real crazy.

But I’ve been trying to turn the TV off more. It’s not the shows. It’s the commercials.

To be specific, it’s what I see in myself through the commercials that makes me want to beg my doctor for Wellbutrin.

I know the kind of research that goes into targeting the right demographic and then pumping them full of ads that will get them to do things. And I don’t like what the market researchers see in me.

It came to a head when I sat through the 900th commercial for Disney’s straight-to-DVD release Secret of the Wings, where Tinker Bell apparently meets her long-lost sister.

Or maybe it was the Eggo commercial where the crazy mom in the Richard Simmons sweats feeds her children multigrain waffles; or maybe the Swiffer commercial where cleaning becomes so easy that Mom has enough time to scare her kids with a cucumber facial: “It’s me, Mommeeeeeeee!”

And after one such commercial I looked down and I was wearing a cardigan.

It was a cute cardigan with bright leggings and brown suede boots. But still…

And it’s not the only cardigan I own.

Sh*t.

Secretly I want to be part of the coveted 18- to 24-year-old male demographic. I want to see ads for Axe body spray, Old Spice, and World of Warcraft.

You’re thinking: “It ain’t happening sister.”

And I’m thinking, Thank god we watch a lot of college football.

But that train’s almost left the station, and baseball doesn’t start again until April. By that time I may have purchased the entire Glade Plug-in winter scents collection.

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8 responses to “I Wish I Were an 18- to 24-year-old Male

  1. My predominant media source is NPR. Apparently the only things I “need” are natural food grocers and environmental lawyers.

  2. That’s hilarious. And too true. We have a TV but thankfully, neither my husband nor I are TV watchers. Our son is only 4 so he doesn’t get a vote. But the few times it does come on, I hear what you’re saying – it’s the ads that kill you. They are what made me lose interest long ago and what still keeps me from going to it now.

    • Jill, you are a beacon! We need to come over to your side. TV makes me feel like a zombie but I still feel like I need it. Someday I’ll break the cycle. Thanks for stopping by again, and leaving a comment!

  3. We don’t have any TV channels, where we live in Alaska you have to kick down for a satelite dish, but we do watch alot of movies (thank goodnes for free rentals at the library). However when I am around a regular TV (like at a hotel or visiting family) I do become a channel surfing crazy person because I can’t sit through the commercials. Don’t get me wrong we are not totally off the grid, thanks to hulu and the web I keep up to date on a few good shows like Parenthood & modern family, love them both. My hubby likes the cooking shows and American Pickers as well as UFC. You really can’t hide from advertising anymore but I agree it’s discouraging! PS. I own a couple cardigans too and what would I wear if Yoga pants didn’t exist? AAH the glamorous life of a mom…

    • LOL! You crack me up, Barbara! My yoga pants are dying and I need another good pair. They’re so comfy and at the same time give me the sense that my butt looks good. 🙂 Parenthood and Modern Family keep me going through the week, which is a habit I may break at some point–like when they cancel those shows.

  4. As someone who watches way too much tv, I actually feel very bad for the 18-24 demographic or the 18-forever man at this time of year as they are bombarded with the need to buy a woman jewelry. Poor guys. That being said, I won’t say “no” to jewelry.

    • Agreed! Gullible men might think it’s appropriate to propose to your love IN the jewelry store. That won’t actually be romantic in real life (in case any 18- to 24-year-old males are reading).

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