Dear Social Media, I Hate You Now Let’s Make Out

I may seem all laid back and in control–some might say impenetrable (play along here)–but social media makes my self-esteem go down.

Facebook is like lunch time at high school. Twitter is this boozy cocktail party where everyone’s shouting. Instagram and Pinterest, well I like them because there’s pictures, but I’m kinda just doing those because everyone else is. Didn’t I have a mind of my own once?

I know, you’re saying, “Why not just break up?”

Because I’m in love, okay. You wouldn’t understand. I need them. We have something special.

I mean, Facebook may not treat me right, but it’s always there. Always.

It’s just that on a bad day at home, one that starts with four time-outs, three baby outfit changes, two stubbed toes, and a dead partridge in a burnt pear tree…

On these days I glance at Facebook and feel depressed that I’m not on your Hawaiian vacation and that my house isn’t constantly filled with unadulterated baby love and happy hour cocktails.

I realize I’m a prime culprit in this circus-of-awesomeness. I rarely say anything about bad days and I mostly post pictures of my children, which probably annoys you.*

*And it should! Especially if you don’t have children. I mean c’mon, can’t I think about ANYTHING else??? I mean really.

But I can’t break up.

Instead I’m making a push for more sensitivity in our relationship, Facebook. When I log on, a pop-up window should come up…

Hi Evelyn! Are you having a good day or a bad day?

A good day! 

Great! Let’s get this party started! What do you want to see in your newsfeed? Check all that apply.

  • Photos of adorable children wearing animal outfits.
  • Check-ins of childless people at fancy restaurants.
  • Videos of kids doing silly things like loading dishwashers and eating mud.
  • Sunny places, especially people you know vacationing there.

Or, if it’s one of those dead-partridge kind of days, Facebook will say…

Crikies! That sucks! How about…

  • Posts about other people having incredibly terrible days, including, but not limited to, job interviews that didn’t go well, children biting, and parents going totally bat sh%$ crazy.
  • Check-ins by people in airport security lines.
  • Fevers, colds, flus, and other illnesses.
  • Photos of children spilling maple syrup, India ink, and other liquids.

Now we’re talking!

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17 responses to “Dear Social Media, I Hate You Now Let’s Make Out

  1. I love this! The facebook-mood-monitor is a great idea too. Most everything on fb has been annoying the heck out of me lately – I don’t need to know that you are going to work or church (especially if that’s all you say and there is no witty commentary to accompany it), I do not want to see a picture of the very minor bruise you got falling off a treadmill (you are not in the ICU, you are just clumsy, and I’m not going to cater to your glaringly obvious bid for sympathy), and no, I don’t care that you’re baby has worn 3 different outfits today and you’ve posted a picture of every single one (I like babies, but I don’t care about their constant wardrobe rotation. Show them eating mud and I’ll be interested!). Ugh. So, maybe there should be an “Are you irritable? Then close this window and go get a drink” prompt too. But it’s true, I can’t break up, because there are people I always like to hear from, who have amusing and constructive things to say (you being one of them). And I hope I haven’t been too offensive myself lately! It’s all about filtering and we’ve all got to do our part. πŸ˜‰

    • Amen! And thanks for sucking up. A little lying will go along way toward keeping those annoying baby photos coming straight from me to your feed! I think Baby Woww needs another outfit change…

  2. Hear, hear! Somebody at Stanford did a study to explain why social media depresses the heck out of us. But you’ve summed it up nicely here.

    I second the call for a “mood prompt.”

  3. Evelyn, you rock! Put that on your timeline πŸ™‚

  4. Laterzas Lots of Boys

    Love it Ev – Good luck with your fast….. Agree that we love it a bit too much and laugh at my husband who does not even attempt to understand or discuss (who is the crazy one?). Must be in a good mood today – send all those cute baby photos – we miss you guys so much. XOXO

  5. Oh, can we also add Foursquare and those people who find it necessary to check in at work, bus stops, and their own homes. Seriously? Seriously?!

  6. Hear, hear! I love my friends’ children, but when I hear more about their kids and how !@#$ing cute than what their parents have been doing, I begin to whirr like a clockwork cricket inside.

    OK, I don’t know what that means, but it’s supposed to embody deep irritation from within.

    In fact, ditto for any serial posters of txt spk gibberish / NY Times articles / political rant / cryptic one-liner “ask me for more information” attention-seeking posts.

    Then there are mad hatters like you, Momsicle, who constantly mix it up with caustic wit, foolish banter, groovy photographs, and down-to-earth doses of honesty. And sometimes you even bribe us with delicious things to eat or drool over vicariously. And that’s why we love you xx

  7. I did break up, just the other day. It’s been hard, but I’m getting over it. πŸ™‚

  8. I’ve changed my writing habits recently, so it’s changed much of my social media time. For the good, I think. I consider blogs and Twitter more of my social media network. I use Facebook as a convenient way to communicate with neighbors via a FB group more than anything. I joined FB a few years ago after my mom joined. So, I’m a late bloomer. I reconnected with high school classmates and realized quickly as adults we have little in common. Some connections are better than others and I’ve enjoyed cheering on their new life adventures, childrena and in some cases, grandchildren.

    • I love that you joined Facebook after your mom! I was a late bloomer, too, with practically everything: cell phone, smart phone, Facebook… Now I’m totally immersed and constantly trying to find the balance. I like your thoughts on blogs and Twitter being most of your online time: those can provide a diverse and vibrant group.

  9. I love the good day/bad day news feed! It would be beyond wonderful if they’d take your advice…check ins from people waiting in airport security lines have to make you feel just a little bit better :). I agree with you, and this is why I’m on a fb hiatus! I have felt so, so much better since I’ve left!!

  10. I think I need a good day/bad day button. But, like you, I’m hooked. I think it has something to do with living in the middle of nowhere. You only have virtual friends. All the same, myspace, remember that, used to have a space to put your mood. They should have used it to pick what you saw. Now, if only the newspaper would take your advice πŸ™‚

  11. Happy to have discovered your blog! Your wit and humor and honesty are much appreciated. I think moms who are at home have a particularly interesting relationship with social media since we may or may not be checking in a few more times a day than the average grown up who isn’t taking a (third or fourth or eighth) two-minute hiatus from little people. I honestly find myself irritated when I check facebook and there isn’t anything new since the last time I checked. How dare they? Finally, I am also an Oregon mama. That is all.

  12. Pingback: Five–Year-Old Blog Birthday Parrrrtay! | momsicle

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