I may seem all laid back and in control–some might say impenetrable (play along here)–but social media makes my self-esteem go down.
Facebook is like lunch time at high school. Twitter is this boozy cocktail party where everyone’s shouting. Instagram and Pinterest, well I like them because there’s pictures, but I’m kinda just doing those because everyone else is. Didn’t I have a mind of my own once?
I know, you’re saying, “Why not just break up?”
Because I’m in love, okay. You wouldn’t understand. I need them. We have something special.
I mean, Facebook may not treat me right, but it’s always there. Always.
It’s just that on a bad day at home, one that starts with four time-outs, three baby outfit changes, two stubbed toes, and a dead partridge in a burnt pear tree…
On these days I glance at Facebook and feel depressed that I’m not on your Hawaiian vacation and that my house isn’t constantly filled with unadulterated baby love and happy hour cocktails.
I realize I’m a prime culprit in this circus-of-awesomeness. I rarely say anything about bad days and I mostly post pictures of my children, which probably annoys you.*
*And it should! Especially if you don’t have children. I mean c’mon, can’t I think about ANYTHING else??? I mean really.
But I can’t break up.
Instead I’m making a push for more sensitivity in our relationship, Facebook. When I log on, a pop-up window should come up…
Hi Evelyn! Are you having a good day or a bad day?
A good day!
Great! Let’s get this party started! What do you want to see in your newsfeed? Check all that apply.
- Photos of adorable children wearing animal outfits.
- Check-ins of childless people at fancy restaurants.
- Videos of kids doing silly things like loading dishwashers and eating mud.
- Sunny places, especially people you know vacationing there.
Or, if it’s one of those dead-partridge kind of days, Facebook will say…
Crikies! That sucks! How about…
- Posts about other people having incredibly terrible days, including, but not limited to, job interviews that didn’t go well, children biting, and parents going totally bat sh%$ crazy.
- Check-ins by people in airport security lines.
- Fevers, colds, flus, and other illnesses.
- Photos of children spilling maple syrup, India ink, and other liquids.
Now we’re talking!