My Toddler Parties Like It’s 1999

I graduated high school in 1999, which set a high bar for partying (Prince, anyone?). But it wasn’t until 2006 that I really got my groove on. You would think that with so much lead time, the arc would still be rising. But my hard-partying lifestyle was short-lived.

We prefer to do most of our socializing in our apartment building. That way, you can just pop on a clean sweater and slippers and pad on over to a neighbor’s apartment with a bottle of wine in hand. No down jackets in freezing temperatures; no police activity delaying your subway.

You know how at the end of a good night out you are exhausted and about half an hour past your ideal exit time? That’s always the time when I could really use a teleporter to beam me straight into bed. Well, if I’m only two floors down from my own sheets, it’s almost as if I had one. It’s a little sad that my ideal party scenario involves being within 400 meters of my bed at all times, but I’m proud and I own it.

In fact, I’d pretty much forgotten about the glory days of tipsy subway rides until this New Year’s Eve, when K-Pants got his toddler groove on.

We were at our second in-building party and it was way past his bedtime. I thought for sure the Pants would melt down any second. But it turns out that if you keep him up past 10 p.m., he gets some funky wind blown into his sails, and you ladies better watch out.

He’s got a butt shake that blows your mind. If you think you’ve seen his shake before, think again. The post–10 p.m. shake is slower and more suggestive. He looks around and picks someone out: This shake’s for you.

He downs club soda, crackers, and chocolates like he has the munchies from an earlier pre-funk. He has something to say to everyone and an easy laugh.

I kept waiting for him to ask for his blankie and put his fingers in his mouth. Turns out I was the one wanting the blankie. It’s late; I’m tired. Mr. Pants, don’t you want us to take you back??? Please?

When we finally left to go back to another friend’s pad to have cups of tea before midnight, the Pants was bummed. If he, like Sage over at Dumb Mommy, had an expanded vocabulary, he would have said, “But Maaaaahmmmm! I’m just getting started over here. Don’t ruin my night!”

Luckily he can’t say that, so I can still use him as an excuse for my own purposes. It’s waaaaaaay past K-Pants’s bedtime: We should go. He’ll be a wreck tomorrow.

I think his first real sentence will be, “Mom, stop projecting your feeling onto me.” But until then, it’s open season.


14 responses to “My Toddler Parties Like It’s 1999

  1. Ah…I remember those days when one of my boys would get their groove on too…I graduated in 1981. My oldest, Eric, would jump up and down in his playpen (and kept the beat with ) “Goody Two Shoes” by Adam Ant. He loved that song! I think the funniest thing ANY of my sons ever did was when my youngest (Kevin) tried to rap “I Ain’t Ever Scared” when he was 12. He had headphones on and didn’t know we came back to the house! That poor kid couldn’t carry a tune, let alone rap, but if I had a video camera, I’d have sent that in to “America’s Funniest Home Videos”!

    • Hilarious! Reminds me of the adorable junior high kid rapping with headphones on in About A Boy. Have you seen it? Might remind you of your son. 🙂 Are you back at work now? If so, good luck and Happy New Year!

  2. Wait. Hold on. You graduated in 1999? FROM HIGH SCHOOL? Are you even 30 yet, you lucky lady????

    I live in the ‘burbs but we have a version of the in-building party. My good friend and her hubby and two girls recently moved in down the street. It’s awesome. We do have to go outside, but no driving involved. Unless you count the wagon we’re pulling with the girls in it. Hmmm. Can I be pulled over for pulling a wagon while under the influence? I guess I’ll have my hubby pull the wagon next time, just to be sure. Ha.

    • Ha! We visited friends in Holly Springs, NC and loved their kid wagon! I can be convinced to move to the ‘burbs just for the wagon. And how did you convince your good friend to move down the street? Nihhhhce!

      …and I do have four more months before 30. Any recommendations on what I should do? 😉

  3. LOL!!!!

    We had a very low key night, and that was perfect. I’m an old fart, me.

    And apparently older than I thought, with you young thing over there gradumatating in 1999, for Pete’s sake. Golly gee whillikers!

    • I always wondered how to spell “golly gee whillikers.” I learn something from you every week.

      Good friends of ours go to a “New Year’s in London” party where they celebrate the New Year at 7 p.m. and then everyone is home before midnight. I could totally go for that!

      P.S. I hope you’ll still speak to me even though I’m not out of preschool yet. And you are NOT an old fart.

  4. Yes, I too had to stop at 1999. But I swallowed my pride and soldiered on! Funny!

  5. That’s great! We totally use our kids as Exit Strategy #1 & 2.

    BTW: this is a great thing about the ‘burbs, too. We are really good friends with neighbors, so all summer long it’s walking across the street to this bbq, winter its popping on boots and a bottle of wine to head to the holiday party, glasses of wine with a view of your own kitchen while letting your kids blow of steam with friends in that post-dinner/pre-bedtime mania.

    • I’m so glad to hear that you can find the same community in the ‘burbs. It definitely comes through from your blog! I just need to bring over the bagels, right? 😉

  6. Oh, boy! Good luck with his teenage years! Josh and I had some friends over on New Years Eve, but everyone had kids and left by 9 p.m. Then at 11:50 p.m. Josh and I argued for ten minutes on whether or not we should stay up, but by then it was midnight. Happy New Years!

  7. I’m still substitute teaching, and it’s going well. Thank you for asking! I’m still trying to get a contract though. All things happen in good time! Besides, I’m getting a huge laugh out of my sons every now and then. At least my brood doesn’t live up to “The Cat’s in The Cradle”. The knew why I had to work two jobs when they were younger. I know this much, one of these days I WILL NOT draw the short straw and I’LL be partying like it’s 1999! I usually end up driving everyone HOME…Oh well, I get free Pepsi or Coca Cola and get to watch all my friends sing out of tune and look utterly stupid if I go anywhere with them on Kareoke night. You have a great week! 😀

  8. Pingback: Lies, Damned Lies, and Collaboration in Education Reform | Thought News

  9. Pingback: I Am Not Hung Over from New Year’s Eve | momsicle

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