Exorcism Cat

THE FERAL CATS ARE GONE! A crew of guys rolled in to the secret garden and chopped… and bagged… and ate lunch… and threw out the cats. GONE are the rotting feline thrones and the tins of Fancy Feast. And the garden is sort of lovely, despite the timeless inelegance of the chain link fence.

I’ve received text messages and emails from neighbors saying thanks for getting the place cleaned up. You got it, neighbors! No problem! (Air five!)

Now when we all come home, walking past the secret garden, we don’t feel our hearts sinking into our stomachs, thinking it’s just another day in Trashutopia.

But the cats put out a memo with a bag of fish-part bounty attached to my head. And one cat has come to claim the prize.

I don’t know what tipped them off it was me. Maybe my clandestine meeting with the Sanitation Superintendent on their sidewalk?

Most likely it was Francesca, the vixenish, ultra-sophisticated tabby belonging to my neighbors. Francesca is always outside in the hallway all up in yo’ biznez. She snuck into our house last Wednesday and spent six hours under the mattress reading New Yorkers and looking at K-Pants’s baby books.

If Francesca were human, she would have been raised in the projects but fought her way out with razor blades, learned to read at McDonald’s, snuck in to classes at Columbia, and then run a crack ring until God found her in an empty Baptist church, and now she’s clean–but a little off.

I’m sure Francesca knows the secret garden thing was me. She prides herself on knowing the neighborhood biz. And although I’m sure she’ll deny this also, she told Exorcism Cat to come over.

Ex-Cat is white with a forehead soul-patch. She has crazy eyes, and I see when I look into her soul, that 1) she knows I destroyed her crib, and b) she’s trying out for a horror flick.

She sits outside my apartment door, mewing a baleful mew, scratching a raging scratch, weeping a pitiful weep. She’s waiting for K-Pants and I to leave so she can go all Laser Cats on our tushies.

I need to do something about this before Halloween hits and she calls in her back-up. I’ve seen the previews for horror movies: I know what happens. So, if you know anyone who wants to adopt a lovely, slightly-possessed feline, please let me know.

11 responses to “Exorcism Cat

  1. Hilarious! I think you need to invest in a spray bottle. One you can carry around in a holster, in case you find yourself ambushed by a cat posse.

    • A truly brilliant idea! They make those snap-on cup holders for strollers that could easily hold the bottle. I can get one and draw some flames and skulls on it. The sooner the better, because just after I posted this story, K-Pants and I headed out for some mischief and Francesca tried to bowl us over and come on in for a party. Apparently she now listens at the door so she’s ready right when we come out. We’ll put the kibosh on that with the flame-throwing squirt bottle!

  2. You need a Cat-o-tonic to deal with the vocal Ex-Cat. I might have some for you in the form of a horse-dog… but how does one sneak a horse-dog on the subway?

    • I love it! You’re my Ex-pat solution to Ex-Cat. 🙂 I wish you could sneak horse-dog on the subway. He and K-Pants could play all day with the toys around here!

  3. I would love to adopt this precious one, but… I have an aversion to horror flicks. And I don’t own animals whose movies I haven’t seen. You never know when you’ll be running for President or something, and the tabloids will start reporting on your NC-17 cat.

  4. Oh. Dear. Um. That’s like Ceiling Cat gone slightly Off. Like, a fallen angel or something, gradually transforming into Basement Cat before our very eyes.

    You might want to consider moving.

  5. so it was YOU who destroyed the Fancy Feast din of sin! nice going. can you sort out the gangs and the criminals now? 😉

    • I’m working on customer service at Marshall’s and a safety gate for the kids park. I’m a lazy community activist, Lara! But I was hunting down park gate latches last week and collecting photo-evidence. Power Point presentation, here I come! You do the gangs and crime. 😉

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