Just like some of us find ourselves on the LL Bean or Williams & Sonoma mailing lists (me, at least!), I have magically appeared on the mommy mailing lists and now receive a free copy of Parenting magazine. I was a real subscriber to Cookie magazine until Conde Nast shut it down. You might not be familiar with Cookie, and now you never will be, but it made you feel like you could be a mom and still be edgy, chic, and not think only about your pre-toddler’s obsession with his little penis (Real header from Parenting magazine: “Weird behavior #1: He’s having an, um, touching experience”). Uh, moms, have you noticed how babies touch (and chew on) everything? If he could reach down far enough, he’d also put his penis in his mouth and suck on it.
So, Cookie made me think that there was definitely a V6 Audi station wagon in my future. Now I’m stuck with Parenting, which, if you save all the monthly issues, can be used to build a Dodge Caravan (and for more easy projects, visit Parenting.com!).
To be fair, an article on abdominal-fat-burning foods did inspire me to throw some flax meal on my GrapeNuts, but I almost choked when I read what my snacks for the rest of the day would be: “Watch portion sizes,” Parenting tells us, “and try these snacks: a quarter of an avocado spread on tomato slices, a handful of almonds, a half-cup of pistachios, a few olives, or a square of dark chocolate (nice!).”
I’m not sure if Parenting thinks that I am wearing elastic-waisted jeans and just can’t lay off the Cheetos, or if they think I just got back from two hours of pilates and am struggling to find the right probiotic/vitamin combo. Whatever the case, I will most likely have all of their snacks at once. But I will kill the pistachios and replace them with blue cheese, add another ¾ to the avocado, turn it into guacamole, and eat it with baked tortilla chips. Then, I will laugh hysterically as I finish my fifth square of dark chocolate (nice!).